The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess: Screwed Up
by Green Eyed Gerudo
Summary: A humorous retelling of twilight princess. Not meant to be taken seriously at all. On HIATUS.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**"Tell me, do you ever feel a strange sadness as dusk falls?" Link got up, annoyed at the middle aged-man who keeps filling his head with unimportant nonsense. Link got bored and decided to go play with his horse Epona, who was much more interesting than the middle-aged man who keeps filling his head with unimportant nonsense. Link began to put sacks and bundles of straw on Epona's back to take back to the village. Once he packed the final sack, he began to lead Epona away quietly, but unfortunately, he tripped over a rock. This startled the mare. With a loud neigh she began to dart wildly in circles. Link's hand was, unfortunately, tangled in the reins.**

**Link (with every bump): Ow, ow, ow, ow!!**

**All of this goes unnoticed by the middle aged-man who keeps filling his head with unimportant nonsense (MAMWKFHHWUN) as he stares out at the lake and continues to talk about, well, unimportant nonsense.**

**MAMWKFHHWUN: They say it is the only time our world intersects with theirs. The only time we can feel the lingering regrets of spirits who have left our world. That is why loneliness always pervades the hour of twilight. But enough talk about sadness…. I have a favor to ask of you, Link…. *Finally notices Link began dragged around by a crazed Epona* HOLY SHIT!! **

**After disentangling Link's hand from the reins and settling Epona down, the two sit down and MAMWKFHHWUN continues to speak.**

**MAMWKFHHWUN: I was supposed to deliver something to the Royal family of Hyrule the day after tomorrow. Yes, it was a task set to me by the mayor, but…. Would you go in my stead?**

**Link *tending to his wounds from Epona*: PURE LAZINESS!!**

**MAMWKFHHWUN: You have…. never been to Hyrule, right?**

**Link: No, but I've accidentally walked in on Mayor Bo when he was taking a shower. That was some scary shit. He chased me for like an hour…. without pausing to put his clothes back on first!**

**MAMWKFHHWUN *now highly disturbed*: Okay…. anyway, in the kingdom of Hyrule there is a great castle and around it is Castle Town, a community far bigger than our little village…. And far bigger than Hyrule is the rest of the world the gods created. You should look upon it all with your own eyes. **

**Link: Okay, yeah, I get it. Quit filling my head with unimportant nonsense. I shall "look upon it all with my own eyes"!! Okay, can I go now before the annoying little Ordon kids come to my house? If they come today, I shall act dead!**

**MAMWKFHHWUN stands up.**

**MAMWKFHHWUN: It is getting late…. We should head back to the village. I will talk to the mayor about this matter.**

**Link: That's what I just asked of you!! Let's head back!**

**MAMWKFHHWUN begins to lead Link back to the village. Link begins to lead Epona (carefully this time) back. MAMWKFHHWUN begins to talk about unimportant nonsense once again. Link sighs and even Epona gets annoyed and rears. Link groans in annoyance as all the bundles on Epona's back fall off. Link quickly and sloppily begins strap them back on as MAMWKFHHWUN continues to talk about how Gorons used to bully him on his trips to the mountains. **

**MAMWKFHHWUN: Now let me tell you all about my childhood!**

**Link groans. At least now he has everything strapped back on Epona's back. The two begin to cross the bridge. MAMWKFHHWUN keeps talking about his dull and boring childhood.**

**Link: I need a miracle.**

**As if on cue, MAMWKFHHWUN steps on a loose board on the bridge and begins to plummet a long way down into the river below.**

**Link: YES!!**

**Suddenly the lights go out as Link steps onto a grand stage. On the wall behind him is a logo that says "Hylian Idol". Link holds up his microphone and sings.**

**Link *Singing*: FREEDOOOOOOOM!! FREEDOOOOOOOOOOM!!!! FREEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM, HE-EH-EH-EY!!!!!! **

**A nonexistent audience begins to clap. Link bows down, saying "Thank you, thank you," as girls from all around the world begin to throw their underwear on stage. Suddenly Link's hit in the face with a coconut, bringing him back to reality. Epona whinnies a laugh and kicks another coconut at Link, and her aim is once again true, but this time it doesn't hit him in the face.**

**Link: MY BALLS!!!!**

**Link writhes around on the floor in pain, crying hysterically. Epona whinnies happily and begins to trot in place, her way of doing a victory dance. **

**MAMWKFHHWUN: And as I was saying, my mother was very rude to my brother so that he had to….**

**Link: NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Link had somehow forgotten that everything that dies in his world magically comes back to life later on. **

*******

**Link awakens the next day and takes out his to-do list.**

**Link: Let's see what I need to do today….**

**Link's To-Do List**

▫ **round up the goats**

▫ **get cradle from monkey**

▫ **get fishing line**

▫ **return cat to Sera**

▫ **entertain kids…. Oh crap, where did that come from? Shit…. Okay, let's scratch that….**

▫ **entertain kids ****hire monkey to distract kids away from my house and to be forever lost in the woods.**

 **There we go. Wait a minute, where's Epona?!?!**

**Meanwhile, at the Ordon Spring….**

**Ilia and Epona are sitting down at a small table (well, actually Epona's standing seeing as she's a horse). Ilia has a visor on and is smiling psychotically, or maybe just stupidly. She puts her cards down on the table. **

**Ilia: 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6! Straight flush!! **

**Epona snorts in disgust.**

**Ilia: Haha, beat that, puny horse!**

**Epona lays her cards down. 10, Ace, Jack, Queen, and King. Royal Flush.**

**Ilia: Damn it!**

**Epona whinnies happily as she pulls all her chips towards her.**

**Ilia: Damn it, you've insulted me for the last time!! **

**Epona snorts and trots off with her chips in her pouch. Ilia takes a large stick and begins to dart towards Epona with it.**

**Suddenly Link shows up.**

**Link (to Epona): Hey girl! **

**Epona whinnies excitedly as she shows Link her chips. **

**Link (sighing): Have you been playing poker with Ilia again? **

**Epona nods happily.**

**Link: You might not want to anger that girl. She's already psychotic enough – WHOA, ILIA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??**

**Ilia is still charging towards Epona with the stick in hand. Fortunately for Epona, however, she stupidly slips in a pile of horse crap and falls face-first into more…. horse crap.**

**Epona whinnies happily and begins to do her trot-in-place victory dance. Link hesitantly walks over to Ilia to make sure she's alright (since her father, Mayor Bo, would have his head if any harm had been done to Ilia and Link was with her suspiciously). **

**Link: Ilia, are you alright? **

**Ilia lifts her head up and spits out horse manure. She gets up and smiles stupidly, the stick she was about to attack Epona with now sticking out of her left eye. **

**Ilia: Oh, hi Linky.**

**Ilia yanks the stick out of her eye and quickly heads over to the spring, since it has magical healing properties, and pours the water into her bloody eye. Soon she's back to normal and rushes up to Link stupidly again, still spitting out horse manure.**

**Link: Ilia, you weren't trying to attack Epona due to a lost game of poker, now were you?**

**Ilia: Oh, nonsense, Linky! I was just uh, uh…. I was washing Epona for you!**

**Link: Oh. **

**Ilia: Yeah, and she had a fly on her, so I was just trying to swat it off.**

**Link: Oh, okay. Cool. Yeah, well I'm just going to go do some errands in the village now. See ya.**

**Link begins to lead Epona away before Ilia calls out to him.**

**Ilia: Linky!**

**Link turns around.**

**Link: Yes?**

**Ilia throws her arms around Link's neck and buries her face in his shoulder.**

**Ilia (whispering): Be careful out there, okay? **

**Link shoves her off of him and looks at her like she's gone psycho (and maybe in this case she has). **

**Link: What's wrong with you?? I'm just going to do my usual chores! It's not like I've been put on a mission to save Hyrule!**

**(Little does he know….)**

**Ilia: Well, it's just…. I love you, Linky!**

**Link gags and Epona faints. **

**Link: That's, um…. okay then. See ya.**

**Link turns to leave again, but Ilia throws her arms around his neck again, turning him to face her. She puts her hands over her heart dramatically.**

**Ilia: Just give me one kiss, Linky, and then I will know that if you die, we can be together in the next life.**

**Link stares wide-eyed as Ilia closes her eyes and leans in slowly and dramatically to kiss him. Link gags again when he sees her manure-covered lips. **

**Ilia smiles to herself when she feels her lips press against Link's. The kiss was so beautiful, so romantic….**

**Ilia opens her eyes and sees….**

…**. A monkey's ass. **

**Ilia: Linky?**

**Ilia looks around confusedly, but Link and Epona are nowhere to be seen.**

**Finally, in the distance, she can see Epona hurriedly dragging Link away.**

**Ilia: LINKY! Get back here, my love!**

**Ilia begins to follow Link and Epona. The monkey (which is the same one Link will hire to distract the kids from the village later on), drops out of the tree he was hanging in and jumps in Ilia's way. Ilia glares.**

**Ilia: Get out of my way, you filthy baboon!**

**Ilia kicks the poor monkey out of the way. The monkey angrily screams something in monkey language. Suddenly a bunch of monkeys appear in the trees, all wielding random things from hard fruits (watermelons, pineapples, coconuts….etc….) and sticks.**

**The monkey points at Ilia and screams a command. **

**Link smiles as Ilia's cries of pain and agony ring through the woods. **

**Link: Hey, thanks for hiring those monkeys to distract Ilia and for quickly pushing me out of the way of Ilia's hideous lips, Epona.**

**Epona whinnies in response as the two go over the hills and through the woods to Grandmother's house – erm, I mean, back to Ordon Village.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Okay, I just got through watching George of the Jungle and the theme song's still stuck in my head. So that explains my pathetic attempts to replace the lyrics with lyrics fitting for Link's troubles.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Link goes off to do his usual chores.**

**After rounding up psychotic goats, getting his awesome hawk to take a baby cradle from the monkey thief (whom Link secretly hired to distract kids into the woods but we're not supposed to know that until later) and returning it to a woman in return for a fishing line, getting a fish for Sera's cat so it would return home and meanwhile buying a slingshot just for the heck of it, Link begins to walk back to his house.**

 **Wait a minute, where did Link get the money for a slingshot?**

**Flashback: **

**Link (sneakily): Hey Colin.**

**Colin: Oh, what's up Link?**

**Link: Nothing. I just got an important message from your father that says to give Link all your rupees. **

**Link displays the message. Colin looks up at Link skeptically.**

**Colin: That doesn't sound like something my father would say. **

 **Colin turns the message over to realize it's the back of "Link's To-Do List". **

**Colin: Hey, my dad didn't write this! You did!**

**Awkward silence.**

**Suddenly Link grabs Colin by the ankles and begins to shake him violently. All his money falls out of his pockets. **

**Link: Thirty rupees! That's enough for that slingshot I've always wanted! Yes!!!!!! **

**Link throws Colin into a nearby river and begins to grab all the rupees that had come out of Colin's pockets. **

**Colin *Splashing around*: Ah!! Help me!! I can't swim!!!!**

**Beth *Randomly walking by*: Quit freaking out! If you die, you'll just come back to life again, you freaking moron!**

**Colin *Getting up and walking out*: Oh yeah.**

**End of flashback.**

**The next morning….**

**Lin wakes up to the sound of the kids shouting his name.**

**"Link! Wake up! It's morning already!"**

**Link groans and looks at his clock. He then walks over to his glass-less window (a.k.a. a hole in the wall) and glares down at the annoying kids.**

**Link: No it's not! It's seven-thirty at night! Don't you know time will only change if I leave this village (for a reason unknown)?**

**Malo (glaring angrily and picking up a pebble): Too bad! We want you to come play with us anyway!**

**Malo chucks the pebble at Link's window. It hits Link between the eyes.**

**Link: ARRGH!!**

**Link clutches his face and looks in the mirror at the bump forming on his face. **

**Link (whimpering): My precious face….**

**Beth: Come on Link! Come play with us!**

*******

**Link walks outside.**

 **Talo: Oh Link, did you hear? They're selling a slingshot at the store!**

**Malo: I must see how powerful it is! I shall use its power to conquer the world! MUAHAHAHA!**

**Link and Talo just stare at Malo in silence.**

**Malo: Oh, uh…. pretend you didn't hear that.**

**Talo: Anyway…. Beth went to go see how much it costs.**

**Link: Well, actually….**

**Beth (returning): It seems it has already been sold.**

**Talo: Aw man!**

**Malo: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Link, Beth, and Talo just stare at him in silence once more.**

**Link: Um, guys….**

**Malo: I must find the person who bought it and….**

**Link: MALO!**

**Malo (turns to Link, his eyes completely white): WHAT?!?!**

**Beth: Oh shit! Everybody hide! He's turned psycho!**

**Talo runs and hides behind a scarecrow. **

**Link: Pshh, please. I'm not scared of nothing…. ****except Ilia****…. Anyway, I was the one who bought the slingshot.**

**Malo (turning to Link, his eyes still white): And you will let us play with it as well?**

**Link (now finally backing away): Sure…..**

**Malo (eyes going back to normal): Okay then. **

**Link: Okay. Let me go get my sandals and then I will play with you guys. *Sigh***

**Link goes back into his house to find someone sneaking around…. that person was…. Gasp….**

**The Middle-Aged Man Who Keeps Filling His Head With Unimportant Nonsense! A.k.a. …. Rusl. **

**Link: NOOO!!!!**

**Rusl: Oh, hi Link. I was just dropping something off in your room.**

**Link (looking highly scared): No, I swear I'm not the father of your wife Uli's baby! **

**Rusl: What??? **

**Link (realizing that's not what Rusl is here for): Oh, never mind. ****Phew.**

**Rusl: Link, just chill. I was just dropping off this wooden sword in your room so you could play sword-fight with the children.**

**Link (stepping back): So you're not here to tell me unimportant nonsense?**

**Rusl: What? Haha! Of course not! Hey, did you know that a Goron could lift five times its own weight?**

**Link (now highly annoyed): GAH!! **

**Rusl: Anyway, have a good one.**

**Link: Kay. Wait a minute, how did you manage to sneak in my house while the children and I were just outside this whole time?**

**Rusl: I snuck in your house when you were asleep.**

**Link (jumping back): AH! Stalker! We have crime-watchers in this village, you know!**

**Rusl: Oh, silly Link. I am the founder of that organization. Your word will never count against mine.**

**Link: So you mean if there was a slight chance that the baby your wife is carrying might be mine and you killed me but in court you could totally deny it and you'd get off free?**

**Rusl (now turning red with anger): WHAT?!?!**

**Link: Uh oh….**

**Beth (shouting from outside): Link! That was just a dream you had, remember? It didn't actually happen! You were telling us about it after you had it!!!!**

**Link: Oh, right.**

**Rusl (now back to normal): Good. Anyway, I'll see you later.**

*******

**After Link had shown the kids how to use a slingshot and a sword….**

**Talo: The next time one of those naughty monkeys show up, we'll get them good! *Looks to the side and sees the monkey Link secretly hired* C'MERE YOU!!**

**All the kids run off into the woods after the monkey. **

**Link: Phew. **

**Epona snorts something at him. **

**Link: No, Epona. I will not go rescue the kids from the dangers of the woods. I hired that monkey to…. AGH!! LET ME GO!!**

**While Link had been talking, Epona had bitten the collar of Link's tunic, had skillfully thrown Link on her back, and was charging full-speed towards the woods.**

**Link: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

*******

**What Epona had thought she was doing was being heroic and rescuing the kids, but instead, she was doing the opposite. **

 **Link: Epona! Look out!**

**Beth is right in front of their path, shouting something at them. Epona just tramples Beth and keeps galloping. Malo begins to chase after them as they cross the bridge, but one of Epona's back legs kicks Malo and sends him flying off the bridge and into the rocky, deep river below.**

**Link: MUAHAHAHA!**

**Link and Epona run into a strange looking guy with an Afro and a bird sitting in it. He's sitting on a rock.**

**Guy With The Bird On His Afro (GWTBOHA): Hey! An Ordonian! I'm running a lantern business here! Here, take this free lantern! **

**Link: Nice. **

**Link shows his lantern to no one in particular.**

**GWTBOHA: You can use the lantern in dark places to see and you can light things on fire, like that pot over there. Try putting a fire under that pot. **

**Link: Okay.**

**Link swings the lantern around madly under the pot, and a fire did start…. in fact, two fires start…. one under the pot and the other on GWTBOHA's Afro.**

**GWTBOHA: AH!! MY AFRO!!**

**The bird on the Afro takes off into the sky, not forgetting to crap on Link's head on the way.**

**Link: My precious hair!! **

**Epona snorts at the hilarious scene of the two guys going mad, one trying to get fire out of his hair and the other trying to get bird crap out of his hair. Epona neighs when she remembers about Talo and the monkeys and she once again skillfully throws Link on her back and takes off.**

**Link: NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Finally Epona reaches a hill that Link has to go up to find Talo and the monkey. Epona bucks, sending Link flying to the top of the hill.**

**Link: NOOOOO!!!!!!! **

**As Link is sent flying through the air, a song begins to play to the tune of "George of the Jungle".**

**Song: Link, Link**

**Link of Ordona**

**Watch out for your ass!**

**Watch out for your….!**

**Link lands hard on his…. ass.**

**Song: Ass!!**

**Link: Owww….**

**Link walks higher up the hill and suddenly pulls out his wooden sword.**

**Link: Don't worry, Talo! I shall save you!**

**Link bravely charges up the hill to find…. Talo and the monkey in a birdcage. Talo is sitting down and the monkey is giving him a lap dance. All the goblins are dancing to music that is coming seemingly from nowhere. Suddenly Link is spotted and the music stops. The monkey and Talo suddenly jump up and start rattling the bars of the birdcage, screaming for help.**

**Link scratches his head at the weird sight he had just seen, but shrugs it off and charges towards and goblins, and naturally he had to….**

**Slip in monkey crap.**

**Song: Link, Link, **

**Link of Ordona**

**Watch out for that monkey crap!**

**Watch out for that monkey crap!**

**His sword goes flying and impales the three goblins like a shish-cabob. Link gets back up and breaks the birdcage open. **

**Talo: Thanks for saving us!!**

**Link (staring at his monkey crap-covered sandals): My new sandals….**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: George of the Jungle is still stuck on my head! Last time! I promise!! :P**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Link awoke the next day and pulled out his to-do list.**

**Link: Aw crap, I have to go to work.**

**When he arrives, Fado orders him to round up twenty goats.**

**Link: Okey-dokey. **

**Link calls Epona, but Epona refuses to help Link. She just wants to watch him get trampled.**

**Link goes crazy with the whip, whooping goats left and right.**

**Link: Get in you stupid goats! Yah! Yah!!**

**The goats get pissed, all turning a bright red color. Angrily, they all charge towards Link.**

**Link: Uh-oh….**

**Song: Link, Link**

**Link of Ordona**

**Watch out for those goats!**

**Watch out for those goats!**

**Link screams as he dashes around the ranch, being chased by psychotic goats. Epona snorts happily and the ranch owner laughs so hard he starts crying. Link hops the fence, causing the goats to crash into the fence and all pass out simultaneously.**

**Fado: What're ya doin', Link?? Get back over 'ere and round up my goats!!**

**Link: Screw you! I quit!**

**Link leads Epona back into the village.**

**Link: I have ten too many bruises to be keeping this job.**

**Epona snorts.**

**Link: It's not funny, Epona! **

**Link glares as Epona dramatically flips onto her back, whinnying hysterically.**

**Link: *Sigh* **

**Link dramatically looks up at the moon.**

**Link: You know, Epona? Sometimes I wonder what I'm supposed to be doing.**

**Epona gets up and stares at Link, actually serious for once.**

**Link (even more dramatically): I don't even know where I come from. Just that I was brought up by these village folk who never knew where I even come from. And nothing I do is cut out for me. The damned job I took as a ranch-hand didn't work out. Shoot, I can't do anything right! Sometimes, I wonder what's out there for me. I know I must be destined to do something else with my life, but what could it possibly be?**

**Epona gets up off the floor and walks over to Link consolingly. **

……………**..**

…………………**.**

…………………………

……………………………………………**..**

**Suddenly she kicks a rock at a beehive, causing it to fall on Link's head and break. Link screams as the angry bees begin stinging him left and right.**

**Epona whinnies hysterically as Link runs around like a madman, trying to get away from the angry bees.**

**Well, this is a humor story.**

**You can't expect it to be too serious or dramatic for too long, right?**

**Especially when you add in a song like:**

**Song: Link, Link,**

**Link of Ordona**

**Watch out for those bees!**

**Watch out for those….! **

**(Okay, that's enough).**


End file.
